Paris taught me our fantasy weapons aren't crazy enough

I just got back from Paris.

The last time I was there was 36 years ago.

I didn't much like the city then, but we've both changed a lot in the nearly four decades.

It was a wonderful time, full of great food, friendly people, exploration, extraordinary sites, and a visit with a friend I haven't seen in nearly twenty years. We went to the Louvre and Notre Dame, of course.

But we also went to Les Invalides. Although originally built as and still serving as a hospital and retirement home for veterans, the enormous complex now has several impressive museums as well as serving as the burial place for many important and famous people, including, of course, Napoleon.

We spent most of our time in the French Army Museum, which has a large collection of medieval armor and weaponry, most of what we saw dating from the 1500s. As a lifelong tabletop roleplaying gamer and current TTRPG designer and publisher, I was very into this.

The museum also had a high percentage of, um, goofy armor and wacky weapons.

Case in point, you've got to love this duck helmet.

There's got to be a story behind this beautiful, homoerotic short sword.

This pistol has three barrels, good for shooting three people if they are conveniently standing side by side. Or, I guess, one very broad person at short range.

This dagger features a crucifixion and a skull, so you can stab your enemy with your Jesus Blade of Death or something.

I'm not sure if these are dogs or weasels but there are two of them in one sheath.

The extra blades here clearly pop out on springs, but I don't know if the intent is to activate them before or after you wield the weapon. See the comment above about three enemies conveniently standing side by side.

This ax-gun is a dungeon master's nightmare, isn't it?

This helmet looks like its about to break out with a rendition of "It's a Holly, Jolly Christmas."

And this cannon looks very happy to see you.

Of course, there were plenty of other, more "normal" weapons and armor, but these stood out to me as a gamer. While a lot of these impractical weapons seem like players' crafting creations that a DM should disallow, the elaborate nature of everything reminded me that sometimes reality is the best inspiration for fantasy, and that reality can be pretty unrealistic sometimes!

Meanwhile, I didn't know until I got home there's a whole separate museum of tactical relief maps. I wish I'd seen it. Of course, I can't view things like this without wanting to game on them:

And Napolean's final resting place itself definitely feels like the location of a boss fight at the end of a long campaign.

None of this is meant to be disrespectful or to say I didn't appreciate what I was seeing in the context of its history and culture. I've just always got my writer/designer brain on, and travel, history, and first hand experience is always wonderful fodder for the imagination.

Until next time...